Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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