We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
