i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
