So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
