Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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