I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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