Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
