I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
