my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
