WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
