I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
