Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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