Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
