evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize