first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
