i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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