So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
