I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
