Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
