Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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