Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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