She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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