How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
