i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I wish you could order shots online.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sorry about my life...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
