I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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