I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
