Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
