Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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