dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
