She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
