youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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