Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
