well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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