i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
