I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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