Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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