i barfeds in our rink
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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