Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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