btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
