I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
