I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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