even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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