For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
