I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
