this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
