You're my little dorito
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
