When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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