I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
