that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize