Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
