I smell stomach acid.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize