just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
