i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize