My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
