he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
