walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
