I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
